5 Tips for Raising a Strong-Willed Child

From the beginning {literally the very beginning, like in utero}, we knew we had a Strong-Willed Child on our hands. The ultrasound tech took one look at our twins swimming around and said, and I quote, “You’re going to have your hands full with that one.” While her brother was content to just hang out and float, she was intent on moving around, kicking her brother’s amniotic sac, and sitting on my interior vena cava. Just making her presence known. And it pretty much hasn’t changed a lick.

She’s a fighter, that one. And for that I’m glad. I believe her strong-willed personality has served her well in her young 4 years. But it has also given me a fair amount of grey hair and wrinkles. Not to mention the times I’ve wanted to bash my head against the wall because it would be less painful than jumping into the ring with her again.

{If y’all have read any of my previous posts, you’ll know that I’m a big fan of disclaimers, so here it is :: As a rule, I’m not a huge fan of labeling children {ie: always referring to one as the feisty one, the shy one, the fearless one}. Sometimes I think it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy if said often enough. However, the Strong-Willed Child {SWC} is one label I can get behind because it’s been validated by family therapists and experts around the world. Moving on…

Here’s where I’m going to be really honest. I don’t have this one figured out. Not even close. But I have figured out a few strategies that work for our family and several suggestions and resources that fellow SWC parents have clued me in on that I can’t wait to try {Thank you, my LHM friends!}.

And by the way, having a SWC is NOT a bad thing. Challenging, yes. But there are many a days I thank my lucky stars that I have one. Strong-willed children are incredibly self-motivated {you can’t teach that!}, disciplined, have natural leadership capabilities, and are less likely to succumb to peer pressure in their young adult and teen years. So in NO WAY do I want to “break” my child of their strong-willed child. Instead, I want to harness and guide that inner force. And right now, I’d sure like for everything not to be a power struggle and resist the temptation to mix up a White Wine Sangria at 10AM. Kidding, Mom.

1. Routines & Rules ::

Simply having set routines in place and rules that remain constant {and that your child can understand} can help mitigate the power struggles between you and your child. Mine CRAVES routine, so I’ve  noticed a dramatic spike in fit-throwing and undesirable behavior this summer. Consistency is key here. Same rules, all the time. “The rule in this house is we brush our teeth every morning after breakfast. If you get that done quickly, you may have time to watch a little more Sofia before church.” The end. And move on.

2. Say “Yes” As Often as You Can ::

I have to admit this one oftentimes goes against my nature. But it’s important for our kids to hear “yes.” As a wise mom recently said to me, “Save the ‘no’s’ for the really important things.” I mean, really? Who likes to hear “no, no, no!” all day long. I sure don’t. If she wants to wear her princess dress and purple rainboots to the grocery store, who is she hurting? Just say yes and avoid the conflict. Or use the delayed “yes” when you would typically jump to say “no.” “I see that you want to play with blocks. That’s great! You can play with your blocks as soon as you put away your dishes and wash your hands.”

3. Realize the Part You Play ::

I am a Strong-Willed Adult. Formerly a SWC if you will. I don’t like to lose. I don’t like to be told what to do. And I certainly don’t like feeling that I have a 4 year old running my life. So admittedly, I can absolutely lose my mind. I invite power struggles in when I should let things go. Learn from my mistakes. Take a deep breath. Remove yourself from the situation if you can. I can’t necessarily control how my toddler behaves, but at 34 years old, I should certainly be able to resist throwing a temper tantrum. {Also examine where you are at the moment :: Are you hungry? Are you stressed? Are you tired? If so, you are more likely to make non-sensical statements or irrational decisions that you may regret later. Take a step back, go eat a Snickers in the pantry, call in Daddy for reinforcements, whatever you need to do to regain control of yourself.}

4. Offer Choices ::

The SWC rebels against authoritative commands because they like to be the ones to make decisions that affect them. Right or wrong, they don’t like submitting to someone else’s will, especially a parent. This one works really well in my house, as long as I am okay with the two choices I offer. End goal in mind. For example, if said child is going to school and they need to have their hair up, try this :: “Today’s a school day! Would you like for Mommy to do pigtails or 2 braids for you?” Nine times out of ten it works. I guarantee you if I said “Q, come here. I’m going to put your hair in a ponytail,” she would run away screaming at the top of her lungs and throw herself against the door in a fit of rage.

5. Listen to Your Child ::

Oh, this is a hard one too. In the heat of the moment, the last thing a parent wants to do is hear what their child has to say about the situation. But this works wonders. Sit down with your child and simply {in a non-accusatory} way ask them why they don’t want to do something in particular. You may be surprised by the answer and it could provide great insight on how you can avoid the drama the next time. {It should be noted that if the situation is already out of hand, you may need to wait until both parties are calm, cool, and collected to have this conversation. Quinn and I often chat in her bed before nap or bedtime.}

Bonus ::

Praise! Praise, praise, praise when your child exhibits the proper responses. It may seem like overkill and a little cheesy at first – but it works wonders. “I LOVE the way you asked me that question, you said it so kindly and Mommy appreciates that!” Your child will smile ear to ear, and I guarantee they will remember that next time. {And for a SWC, I really don’t believe you can go overboard with the praising. I’d rather have a child with a healthy self-esteem instead of one that rages at me unprovoked in the grocery store.}

Y’all. This list could go on forever. Being a parent of a Strong-Willed Child is NOT easy…but it is doable! And it CAN be so rewarding!  I’ve learned so much about myself during this experience. And all those times I feel like I’ve failed, I’m thankful for another day to try again.

So let that be my encouragement to you :: don’t give up! Your relationship with your SWC may seem tenuous at times but it can be such a fulfilling one. I love seeing the pride on my little girl’s face when she makes the right decisions and when she masters a task that she’s been working on for weeks. Those SWC’s are determined to make things happen, and when channeled correctly, they will…in amazing ways.

Just for fun, a few book titles that may be of help to you ::

James Dobson :: “The New Strong-Willed Child”

Foster Cline & Jim Fay :: “Parenting with Love and Logic”

Hal Edward :: “Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool”

 As mentioned above, this list is by no means all-inclusive. Let us know what you think! Do you have a precious Strong-Willed Child? What are your coping mechanisms? What techniques have worked for your family? Any books or articles you can recommend? We’re all ears in this village of mommas!