A Middle of the Night Crisis from Anxiety :: One Mom’s Story

A Middle of the Night Crisis from Anxiety :: One Mom's Story

It’s 3:00 AM and I’m awake again. It’s dark and quiet in the house and the only noise I hear is from the locusts buzzing outside my bedroom window. I reach for my phone and grasp onto it tightly like it’s the holy bible, and hope that it will save me from my unwanted thoughts. Thoughts that I can’t seem to shake from my mind, causing me debilitating anxiety.

Lately, it’s because everything is shifting in my life. Friendships and family relationships are changing. People who I was once close to I am not now. They’ve pulled away from me in one way or another. Mistakes that I’ve made to get me to this place. A tragic event that has taken place that has intervened and changed the course for the time being. Rightfully so.

Change, just plain ole change, is enough to throw me off.

I scroll through Facebook and Instagram searching for answers; an encouraging post, a funny meme or a light hearted story in the news is what I need for reassurance that everything will be ok. I scroll faster with my thumb past anything that appears to be too heavy because if it is, I know that I’ll never go back to sleep.  

I get up out of bed to go check to see if the doors are locked, even though I checked them twice before bed. It makes me feel better to check again.

I quietly walk up the stairs and hear the sounds of my ankles cracking with each step, trying be as light as a feather. I don’t want to wake anyone. I want to check on my babies. Just being near them and seeing their sweet little faces fast asleep helps ease my mind from this anxiety. 


A Middle of the Night Crisis from Anxiety :: One Mom's Story

My heart feels heavy and as much as I try to push the negative thoughts away, they keep pulling me down like a weighted vest. I worry about myself. What I’m experiencing and feeling aren’t even major life events, and I can’t handle it. Which makes me feel more disappointed in myself and only fuels the fire to those negative thoughts once more.

I head back down the stairs and when I get to my room, I melt into bed and pull the sheets up over my head. I feel safe here next to my husband. 

At this point I start praying. I pray for forgiveness, I pray for things to go back to the way they once were, I pray for answers and to let my mind and soul be content. I want to accept the things that I cannot change and move forward.

Gosh, why is this concept SO HARD for me? Please God let me go back to sleep.

I talk myself down off the ledge. Everything is ok. Go back to sleep. You are tired. You can do this. I keep my eyes shut and take deep breaths in and out over and over again until I finally drift back to sleep. 

When I awake in the morning I feel groggy and tired. I missed an entire hour of sleep because of my anxiety and I can feel it. I start to think about how easy life in my twenties was and how these unwanted thoughts never use to haunt me like they do now. The stakes feel higher now and there is more to gamble and lose. It’s because I care SO MUCH. 

I hate that my mind takes control of me in this way. 

A Middle of the Night Crisis from Anxiety :: One Mom's Story

I feel tired {physically and emotionally} of hiding behind my anxiety. Some nights, this is my reality and I imagine it’s the reality for some of you who are reading. I didn’t want to publish this post. I thought of a million reasons not to {anxiety again}. But if I stay quiet and pretend like nothing is wrong, I feel like I am doing a disservice to myself.

This is why I wanted to start writing in the first place. I want to be brave. Slowly but surely I am learning to be self aware, to not be afraid to face and admit my struggles, to talk about it out loud and keep moving forward. I am doing well. I am happy. 

I refuse to dwell on my negative thoughts.

I believe that most of us are all struggling silently in one way or another, but there is hope in our futures if we continue to talk to each other without judgement. 


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