I Am Not a Cool Mom

I used to have this vision of myself in my Gap khakis and loafers speeding up to the kid pick up line with the sunroof open on the Mini blasting Snoop Dogg.  And greet the teachers while wearing a tank top showing off all my tattoos and still being articulate and friendly.  This was Bre, aka Coolest Mom Ever.

And yes, as I type this, I am wearing khakis.  And I wore khakis yesterday.  And I have like 6 pairs of loafers.  I still have a lot of tattoos, and I’m sure more will come.  But you know what?  I am not cool.  I drive a Jetta.  It has a sunroof, but you can only catch Snoop Dogg on the Throwback or 90’s channel on satellite radio.  Because oh that’s right, Snoop Dogg isn’t cool anymore.

And I don’t even listen to Snoop Dogg when Addy is in the car with me.  Because I’m just not cool like that.  Fortunately, we don’t listen to Kidz Bop or whatever else they make, but we have been listening to a lot of Pharrel and Michael Jackson because whoever scores children’s movies put in music for the parents.  If AC/DC comes on, she’s all “MEGAMIND!” and I mean classic rock is okay with me.  Y’all – BON JOVI IS ON THE CLASSIC ROCK CHANNEL.  Another sign of my cool slipping away.   You know you’ve abandoned all hope when you drive a mini van with the inside covered with stickers and you listen to Radio Disney with no kids in the car.  I’ve seen y’all all over the streets of Houston.  Severely uncool.

I remember growing up with no censorship.  Friends weren’t able to listen to rap or watch certain shows, and I was quoting SNL {although not always getting the jokes} and staying up way past my bedtime.  That was just how my parents rolled.  No harm, no foul.  But I’m just not that lenient.  I’m all, “Hey, it’s 8:35 why are you still watching Bubble Guppies?! Go to bed! No more stories! No juice!” lights out type of mom.  Yes we can have cookies before dinner but brush ALL your teeth {yes, you have to talk like that to toddlers} and don’t ask for anything else mothering.

Fun but not that fun.  And I totally don’t see myself as those sit down with the girls and know all the gossip in the middle school moms either.  I remember some of my friends having them, and it seemed like the most awesome thing ever.  But at this ripe age of 31, I just can’t even imagine having the energy to keep up with my own kid let alone the business of her friends and crushes.

I’d like to say it’s because I feel strong ways about things and have strict plans to raise my child a certain way, but mostly, no.  I have severe bouts of the laze.  I need time to read and blog and watch adult television that is inappropriate for little eyes even though it might be cartoons {see :: Archer, Venture Brothers, Simpsons}.  I need quiet.  I need to force the kid to get as much sleep as possible so we can have smooth{ish} sailing in the morning.  I need her to eat the food I buy so it doesn’t go to waste. I need to focus on my friends’ gossip before I try to remember the future life of a middle schooler.  I need to sing Snoop Dogg on my own time.  I don’t want my kid to be in the aisles at the grocery stores saying inappropriate words making adults simultaneously laugh and give you the side-eye. I need to be what would have been awesomely cool circa 1998.

I suppose with age comes the ability to just accept yourself as who you are.  Yes, you can strive to do better and be a better mom, wife, employee, homemaker, friend, sister, human being.  But who you are right now, own it.  If that means you’re just not a cool mom, so be it.  You can sit by me and wonder why Bon Jovi and Brad Pitt are over 50 now while not knowing a single member of One Direction.

What is your most uncool mom moment?  Or are you sitting over there super hip and in the know?  Where do you rank on the cool mom scale {assuming that’s a thing, probably on Pinterest…}?