SOS Becky :: June Edition

As a Houston Moms Blog contributor and MBTI Certified Life Coach, I will be answering reader questions and offering a fresh perspective into some of the troubles that real Houston moms face.  ANYTHING goes and all questions will remain completely anonymous. I’m not pretending to have all the answers either. But sometimes it helps to have someone look into your situation who isn’t personally connected to it. And along the way, we all end up helping one another. One thing I’ve learned from SOS:: May Edition is we are not alone in the struggles we have! Something about knowing that simple truth is so very helpful.

:: SOS Becky #1 ::

I’m just going to shoot it to you straight – I have no sex drive. Like none. I’m not sure what happened to it.  I wasn’t a Samantha {from Sex in the City}, but I was at least a Carrie. I don’t know how to get it back. I don’t even know if I want it back. I mean I do. I think. Help! I’m just so tired and at the end of the day it’s the very last thing I want to do. I don’t want to be that person that just has sex because it’s been a month {or months} or because it’s a holiday.

SOS Becky,

I Want My Carrie Back

Dear I Want My Carrie Back,

First, as you already know, this is so common for moms.

Second, us moms are so busy that it’s a billion times harder now to have the energy or libido to be in the mood.

Third, we can’t let that be an excuse. Please don’t hate me for saying that.

The thing with sex is, well, it’s awesome. Well, maybe not right now, but it can be. I promise. That old saying, “practice makes perfect.” It’s true. And the opposite of that for sex is – lack of practice makes for really boring quickies. And while you kind of always hope it’s going to be a quickie because your To Do list never gets shorter, I promise you you will not regret making real time for sex.

So here are some things to try to help out your sex drive ::

  • Ask yourself why? This is huge. Self reflection should always be our first go to. Why don’t you have sex any more? When did that happen? How does it make you feel? Your partner? Did you used to like sex?
  • Set the mood. I realized a long time ago, my hubby is just not one {except for a rare surprise} to be one to set the mood. It’s just the last thing on his radar. But I love lit candles and music {Pandora has some great romance stations}.
  • Set some goals or do a challenge. This may sound boring, nerdy, and not at all spontaneous, but it might really help {and is better than not having sex at all}. Ask your partner how often they’d like to have sex and make that happen, even if you have to put it on your calendar till it becomes habit again. I’ve also heard of some women doing a 30 day challenge {sex every day for 30 days}. If you are competitive this might be perfect for you.
  • Talk to your partner about what their expectations are. This could be awkward if sex has been an avoided topic, but do it. Ask – how often do you want to have sex? Then clarify if they’d prefer if those are long and intimate or is a quickie enough {but a quickie should not be always}.
  • Dust off that lingerie…or go buy some mommy body approved lingerie {because who still has the body they had when they got married}. There is something about putting that on that will make you feel so sexy. And shoot a pic of it laying on your bed to your husband at work.
  • Give him some coupons or something else fun. When we were newly weds, I gave my husband a jar of 365 screws – a year worth of screwing. Each screw can be redeemed for any sexual act. And it never expires. So any time he is in the mood and I’m not, he can redeem one of these and I have to say yes. Note :: this is something I dread and love. I’m always SO grateful he redeemed a screw afterwards, but so regretting it as I see him reach for the jar. But hear me say that at the end, I’m grateful and you will be too.
  • Get out of the bedroom and try new positions! Don’t just have sex missionary style in your bedroom. Make a game out of it, like Clue. New position and new room each week.

Bottom-line…do something. Don’t stay in this rut. Sex is meant to be good. It can get good again {or for the first time, if you never enjoyed it}. Have fun!

:: SOS Becky #2 ::

I hate budgets. I hate that money is a stress. I could cry about it. I have cried about it. It’s not even that I’m trying to keep up with the Joneses either {at least I don’t think}. But I do want a good life for my family. Is it wrong to want a nice home, good cars, cute clothes, travel, good schools, etc.? I have no clue how others are affording everything. Every month we go over budget. Seems like we take one step forward and two back. My husband and I are constantly arguing about this. And I’m at a loss.

SOS Becky,

Can I Just Win The Lottery

Dear Can I Just Win The Lottery,

If we could only all just win the lottery. The one problem I’ve personally discovered is first I’d have to actually buy a ticket. Ha!

Money is such a tricky and sensitive thing. Not only that, but it is the number one cause for divorce in our nation. So this is an area you and I don’t want to ignore. We have to get this one straight.

Some tips that might help you ::

  • Take Financial Peace. Actually go to a class. This was a game changer for us. You will learn about getting out of debt, making a budget, sticking to a budget, using cash, retirement plans, right ways to buy cars and houses, etc. If there’s one thing you do today, click that link and pick a class.
  • Have a monthly budget meeting. I hate these. My husband loves these. Keep them short and to the point. Both of you need to look at what your debt is and what your budget is.
  • NO SECRETS. This is a killer for finances. Don’t hide money. Don’t put something on a card and hold your breath. You are not a child, don’t make your spouse have to be a parent.
  • Be a role model for your kids. If nothing else motivates you with your finances, do it for your kids. Show them what saying no looks like. Buy houses and cars that are affordable for you. It’s okay if your kids share a room for now and if your car has cloth seats. They don’t really notice those things anyway.
  • Make some sacrifices today: What can you give up? The maid? The lawn service? The shopping sprees? The $ latte? Mother’s day out? Regular mani-pedis? Should you consider downsizing your house? Should you really go on that vacation? I know, I know. We should be able to have some reward for the hard work. But let’s look at that debt number again. You’ve been rewarded long enough. Make some cut backs. It will be so worth it.
  • Try a cash budget. This is hugely helpful for me. It is so good for me to see each and every single dollar go away.
  • Cut up the cards. Studies say that the average american has nearly $16,000 worth of credit card debt. Cut them up. Few have the discipline not to pull it out. If you really must have one for emergencies, don’t keep it in your wallet where it’s easily accessible.

And finally, I want to address one other thing you mentioned about how you don’t understand how others do it. I can’t tell you how many times during our budget meetings I’ve looked at my husband and said, “I just don’t understand how everyone else affords the extras.” And he responds, “We aren’t everyone else.” We simply aren’t going to know. Some make an insane income. Some don’t and are in debt over their heads. Some are constantly getting hand outs from family and don’t have to struggle. It’s just not for us to know or judge. We can’t compare, and we can’t keep up.

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If you have a question you would like answered, please email beckykhmb {at} gmail {dot} com or simply use the Contact Us form and include “SOS Becky” in the subject line to make it super easy. To view previous SOS Becky posts, click :: all SOS Becky Posts or on each month’s post :: May 2014.

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