Am I Enough?

“Am I enough?”

“Am I doing this ‘mom-thing’ right?”

“Do they know how much they are loved?”

I try not to let the constant refrains play in my head, but late at night, when I’ve finally settled down and all I’m left with is my thoughts, I worry. Maybe it’s the season we are in. While I look forward to summer all year long, once it actually arrives and routine is out the window, the doubts creep in. We spend 95% of our days together – just me and two five year olds – and clearly that can lead to some frustrating moments. I’m not going to lie, I think we all just get a little tired of all the “togetherness”. See, I even feel bad typing that, but it’s true. At least for me.

As the temperatures rise, so do the tempers. On all sides. But especially mine. All too often I let my emotions get the best of me, and I become “that mom” – you know the one that jumps on every little thing. I don’t like that about me. Why can’t I be the mom that laughs when their kids run fancy-free through the grocery store to “help” with the shopping? Instead, I am the mom who clenches her teeth, gets down on their level, and orders them to “get it together or we are never shopping again.” I mean. I see their little faces fall, and I feel guilty again. But I am.so.tired.

I see my fellow moms enjoying “the best day ever!” on Instagram or Facebook and wonder what I am doing wrong. Because my day wasn’t. It seemed a day of endless mundane tasks. Having to put my kids in front of the TV for an hour because Mommy had a work call. Hurrying, and herding, children out the door so we aren’t late to swim lessons…again. Racing to CVS because I forgot to buy toilet paper for the 18th time this month. Laying my head on my computer when we get home because the last thing I want to do is answer one more email or put out one more fire. Then dealing with the inevitable meltdowns, and I turn into a referee with zero control over the game. I dream of kiddo bedtime and then face planting myself in front of Friday Night Lights with my husband at my side and a glass of vino in my hand.

Sometimes it’s just too much.

And I wonder how that affects them. Do they know why I do it? Do they know every day that they are safe and that they are loved more than words can say? Do they know how much I pray to be a better mom? That I beg God to give me one more day, one more day to make it “right”?

But what does “right” look like? I haven’t figured that out yet. But this much I know…when I finally get the bed reprieve I’ve waited for all.day.long, I’m actually sad. I miss them. I think of their little faces so angelically sleeping, and my heart swells.

And then I can see that they know. They know I’m enough.

Flashbacks of the day play in my mind. When my son, such a big boy most of the time, climbs in my lap at swim lessons and lays his head on my shoulder, because sometimes you just need your momma. When my daughter finally gets her wish to get into the grocery basket and plants a spontaneous affectionate kiss on my lips with the sweetest, “I love you, Mommy.” When they both clamber up onto the counter to help me with dinner, because they just want to be around me. When I hear them playing upstairs and actually sharing toys and their giggles erupt uncontrollably. When they snuggle into bed and can’t wait to hear “just one more story.” When the boy pats the spot next to him and asks for me to lay down with him, “No talking, Mommy. Just cuddles.” When the girl sleepily gazes at me with her heavy eyelids and whispers, “Thank you, Mommy, for dinner. It was the best.”

Maybe I am enough. Maybe, just maybe, I’m doing something right. And you know what? I bet you are too. We ARE enough because our children know they are loved. That should be the ultimate guage, right? Not every day can be spent doing all of their favorite things. You may not have time to do that Pinterest project you pinned over a month ago. Bills have to get paid, work has to get done. Grocery store trips must happen and dinner {with the same boring chicken you make week after week} has to get on the table. Children will cry. Maybe you will too. You’ll even wish for the day to be over. The busy-ness seems to have no end and yet, you aren’t sure what you managed to accomplish all day.

And it’s okay. We are going to be just fine. All of us. Because we love and so do they.

You are ENOUGH. I promise, mmkkkay?

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