Confessions of a {Wannabe} Boss Mama

Boss Mama.

My Instagram handle is @theofficialbossmama.

I’m trying to claim it as my own, my true pseudonym, but it doesn’t always fit. I definitely don’t feel like a Boss Mama lately. I feel weak. I feel like I should be doing more. I feel should be further in life. I should be crushing it!

I feel like I’m faking it. 

The roles I currently play:: Stay -at-home mom. Wife. Dog mom. Turtle mom. Freelancer. HMB Blogger.

I handle it all; not with ease, but I’ve got it.

Roles I hope for or plan on by the end of 2020:: Gainfully employed. Homeschool teacher. Expectant mom of Baby #4. Facilitator of a big family move into a new house.

That’s all. No biggie. {Insert shrug emoji here}

I want it all. I want more. I want to really feel like a Boss Mama again. 

A Boss Mama would be able to take it all head-on. A Boss Mama would do it all, without hesitation. A Boss Mama would juggle it all. 

But I can’t. 

I’m trying to wrap my head around the reality that I CAN have it all… but not all at once. And that sucks. Because that’s not the Boss Mama mindset I had in mind. 

Then I realized:: I’m falling into my self-created Boss Mama Complex. 

Veruca Salt is Me

The annoying little twit on “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” is not really a character to emulate… but here I am. 

I admit it. I have a problem. 

Veruca doesn’t care how, she wants the world, the whole world, and she wants it now.

Samesies.

I want all the things. I want to do all the things. I want to be all the things. {Dang, even as I type this, I think, “Ashley, you need to calm the heck down!”}

I want a job, because, in the words of judgmental morons who are unaware of how much work stay at home mothers do, “You didn’t go to college JUST to be a stay-at home mom.” Because motherhood doesn’t give me monetary satisfaction. Because I won’t truly see the fruits of my labor until my children grow up {I’ve never been good at delaying my gratification}. Because sometimes I selfishly miss being recognized as a hard worker and being able to put my name on something and say, “Look what I did.” Because that’s what a Boss Mama does, right?

But, then.

I will be homeschooling our children at least until the end of 2020. That is what I believe is best for us right now. But, in order for me to effectively educate my children this semester, I need time. Time that a job will take away from. Time that I just won’t have.

Honestly, when I make a plan, it is so difficult for me to deviate. Even when the timing is off, my focus is needed elsewhere or even if our finances limit the moves I want to make, I can’t stop the little girl in my head, stomping her feet and destroying the factory that is my brain, shouting, “I want it now!”

Wait for It

Hamilton is my latest and greatest obsession. Each song, each subtle movement of choreography, each line and turn of phrase; I love it all.

The song, “Wait for It,” while having always been incredibly powerful, just recently hit my heart.

Wait for it.

I needed to hear that. I needed a little encouragement to simply be patient, a reminder to embrace the here and now.

And this, these words that touch my core::

I’m not falling behind or running late
I’m not standing still
I am lying in wait 

I struggle with thinking, “If my plate isn’t obscenely full, what am I even doing? What is my worth? Am I a Boss Mama?”

While everything in my mind tells me to take, to chase, to go after everything, I can wait. I have to wait. A delay is not denial. Pacing myself does not mean I won’t progress. It doesn’t mean I won’t get there. It means I will get there later. 

I want a baby and a new house… now. But life has had other plans. Life has been sending us signals to slow down. We need time to map out what the rest of this year may look like, what balancing three boys who will not be going to school or daycare may look like, what our finances may look like. 

Reprogramming and Redefining a Boss Mama

Some have called me a go-getter. Because I’m always busy doing all the things, I LOOK like I have it all together. But really, it’s me being uncomfortable with being perceived as complacent, feeling inadequate and striving to prove myself.

Those insecurities were all hidden by the name, Boss Mama. 

The name makes me seem like I’m enjoying my life, embracing my role, and I can do all the things. 

Not 100% true.

So it’s time to revamp the meaning.

A Boss Mama understands the importance of balance and preparation. She values her own mental stability and sanity, and she realizes the effects of being stretched too thin. She acknowledges that everything is a process. She is not flawless, and she certainly doesn’t have it all figured out, but she manages.

A Boss Mama holds firm in the fact that she has limits. She can have it all, just not all at once, immediately, all the time. Some things will falter. Some things will fall by the wayside. I can’t be great at everything, and sometimes, I will fail. That’s just how it works.

Now more than ever, it’s ok just to chill. I don’t need to fill and pile up on my plate in order to feel valuable.

Now more than ever, it’s completely justifiable to have a few less irons in the fire and focus on the most important. Now more than ever, it is perfectly acceptable to enjoy the stage I’m currently in, instead of constantly trying to take on more.

I’m right where I need to be right now. I’m doing exactly what is needed of me. No more, no less. 

A Boss Mama knows when to pace herself, take a breather and slow her roll!

I am a Boss Mama. 


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