I have a bruise on the top of my forehead today where a child dropped a back-scratcher-doubling-as-a-baton on my face while I was lying down. There’s a scar on my lower abdomen that basically looks like the pale, wrinkled version of the “meh” emoji. And I can’t even remember the last time I wasn’t tired.
But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
My kids didn’t come right away. I begged God for them for years. Begged. For years. Trust me, it wasn’t pretty. And now, on those days when I hear things like the whiney sounds of, “Mom! He called me the ‘d’ word!” and I know they just mean “dumb” and I want to roll my eyes, but I pretend like it’s a bigger deal than that because I want to teach them to be kind, I remind myself of that solitary truth:: I begged for this.
You know how sometimes on a computer you click on an icon and nothing happens, so you click on it again? And if you’re me and really impatient, you click on it again and again? Well, that basically describes me wishing, hoping, pleading for children. Click. Double click. Click–Click–Click. And when they came? Yup, just like the computer programs:: after the delay, they all popped up at once. I had twins first. 15 months later, our third son came. And a mere two years later baby boy number four bounded into the world. Three years later our one and only girl joined the team. And now, my heart–not to mention our house–is full.
Make no mistake:: I am not an expert, if there really is such a thing when it comes to motherhood. I’ve only been at this job for 11 years, 8 months, 27 days {plus 14 bazillion hours–that’s my unofficial hour count of 2020 rounded down so it doesn’t feel exaggerated}, and I still feel like a rookie. But I know more than I knew yesterday, so there’s that. And this month my #5 is turning 5! So it got me reflecting on what I’ve learned, what I wish I would’ve known, and what I’d share with my friends who are in earlier stages than I am. So here are my top 5 motherhood lessons I’ve learned over the years:
#1:: Nothing Lasts Forever
I guess if I could impart any wisdom, any encouragement at all to anyone new(ish) to the sisterhood of sleepless nights and goo–oh so much goo!–it would be this: remember that it is not forever. None of this. Things won’t leak out of you forever. Diaper blowouts will one day be fond memories {just kidding, you’ll cringe just thinking about them, but you will stop worrying about them and planning for them and dreading them}. And finding the “perfect” bottle or stroller isn’t really as big of a deal as it feels in the moment. You won’t need them forever. They don’t make you a good/bad mom. And knowing that the biting phase or the phase where you fall asleep in the recliner or the phase where he won’t stop throwing food on the floor or the phase where she climbs on everything, or the dreaded potty training phase will one day, usually without warning, disappear. And you’ll find yourself in another phase–that one will be temporary, too.
#2:: Wear the Shirt
Oh, and wear the shirt. You know the one. The one you bought for a special occasion and now that you are homebound, you keep thinking you’ll save it for another special occasion. Just wear the shirt. Today is special. I saved a shirt in my closet so long that when I went back to wear it, I wondered why I still owned it. OK, so I’ve done that more than once. Lesson learned. If you have a shirt that makes you feel beautiful right now {or a pair of jeans or a necklace or lipstick}, wear it right now. Don’t wait. No judgment if you wear it every day for a while. Promise.
#3:: Don’t Judge
Hold your thoughts. Don’t judge the mom who’s walking through the grocery store with a screaming child. Don’t. Don’t judge the mom who’s buying the candy or the mom refusing candy to her children. Stay in your lane. Trust me. You think you know the whole story, but you don’t. Just let it go and look in the mirror. There are no perfect mamas, but the one you can change? Yeah, she’s looking back at you in that mirror, sis.
#4:: Make Time for Yourself
#5:: Choose One Thing
Love these photos of your family. And your 5 things. I agree with all of them. I have 5 kids too, now all grown (or we like to think so anyway). My top 5:
1. Kids grow up and get independent and leave. Build a relationship now, so they will want to live close and come visit and bring the grandkids. Find time to do what they love with them, whether it’s painting, sharing books, Scrabble, karaoke, piano duets, taking a walk, getting frozen yogurt, watching people be ridiculous on YouTube, sharing memes, cooking, shopping the thrift store. And support them in the activities they choose. If they have extra curriculars be involved. Chaperone the band, be a timer for swim team, attend their plays, or go to their tennis matches and bring treats. Then when they do come back, build a relationship with each grandchild the same way.
2. If you don’t like their boyfriend/girlfriend (when they are in their teens), don’t let them know it. And by this I mean if they are in danger of bodily or moral harm of course you intervene. But if you just don’t like their attitude or think they are a slob or lazy or just wrong for your kid in general, say nothing. Because to your teen, their relationship is the most personal choice they have made and when they are 17, in their mind they are right and you are wrong, Any objections on your part will confirm their decision to stay with that person at all costs and squelch any doubts they may have on the subject. Instead, be polite. Feed them. Be kind. Invite them to family activities. Be oh so patient. And your kid will eventually figure it out themselves and wonder why they ever dated that person. P.S. That really awful ugly t-shirt that they love and you hate? Same thing.
3. Pray for them. Never stop. For their future, for their safety, for their education. All of it.
4. Pay for a driving school. Seriously. Do not do the parent taught method entirely. I mean, yes, practice with your kid all you want once they have that permit. But let the driving school teach them how to merge onto the freeway and prepare them for that driving test. Why? Those driving schools have extra brakes in their cars, and your kid won’t be as nervous or resent the driving instructor telling them what to do. It will save your sanity and your relationship and your leg when you try to shove it through the passenger side floorboard multiple times hoping a brake has miraculously sprouted on your side.
5. Teach them domestic skills before they move out/go off to college. Have them help all they can while they are young and be independent with chores as soon as they can. Assign them a night to cook (let them choose the menu too and put the items on a list) and a night to do dishes. Teach them to clean/maintain their room and bathroom. Teach them how to do laundry. My kids were in charge of their own laundry when they hit high school. Teach them to change a tire, change an AC filter, iron a shirt, unstop a toilet, and manage their own money. Better they burn the Hamburger Helper or turn their white shirts pink while they are still at home, rather than at college when they can’t afford it. Their roommates will thank you. Their future spouses will thank you. You will thank yourself when someone thinks they are worth living with and marries them.
I love the advice ❤️